For a long time, I wasn’t ready to share the worst parts of myself with any one in the world. I was insecure and struggling to find purpose in life. I was lost and I thought suicide was the only way out. I was a survivor of domestic abuse both at the hands of a family and in my relationships. The suicide attempts turned into substance abuse.
I experienced high levels of stress and anxiety, constantly wondering when the next time abuse was coming. I felt like I was on the run and trapped at the same time. Would it be after a long day of work because I was out with friends and I forget to make dinner? Would it be on a sunny day when I was home alone and went outside by myself? Or would it be for simply living my life and existing?
I remember when the self abuse first started. I was in ninth grade and I used to hide alcohol in my closet. I had Hennessy, Bacardi and Mike Hard’s Lemonade in stock at all times. Periodically, I would hide it in other places in the house or leave it with friends, just to be safe. When I went away to college, I really became a substance abuser. I would start every day with a shot of rum and smoke a menthol. I would smoke hookah and have a glass of whiskey to combat depression and focus on my studies. Eventually, I stopped smoking for about 6 months with the intention to stay in shape and be healthy. But soon enough, I was on to the next thing. I experimented with molly and cocaine, smoked weed every day and I even did shrooms. I was so happy all the time.
Then one day, it all changed. The person I was dating that reminded me of the person at home ghosted me, completely went off the grid. At first, I didn’t know what to do. I had become so dependent on them that I felt empty inside without them. After a few weeks, I realized this was a chance for me to move on and find peace within myself.
This series is about how I discovered myself through deep meditation to process my pain and insecurities into a fully realized self love.